Okay, so here goes

I apologize to my last few lingering readers, those of you who visit this site from time to time, seeing the same post title up from the last time you were here, or perhaps feeling the deep void of your empty RSS feed. I appreciate your sticking with me. It really means the world.

So here's your reward, I'm acknowledging publicly, to the internets, that several months ago when I said I was contemplating a life of singledom and self-love, I was totally wrong. It happens. Eventually the satisfaction with being on my own turns to a painful horniness that eventually leads to a "well, I guess I could give men another chance" that morphs into "goddamn, I need to get out there." And in the course of all this, I made a mental list, contemplating all the qualities my past mates didn't have and what I'd like to see in someone new.

And then one day, completely unexpected and out of the blue, my roommate suggests she fix me up with a friend of hers. And think, "Well, why not?" Fast forward a month and despite my best intentions to stay single, despite all my reticence and trepidation, I find myself completely smitten. I put out my wishes into the universe and I got a response. It's a little eerie, to be honest.

Last week while I was visiting my sister in Portland and telling her about my new boyfriend, she said, "What's wrong with him? Because you don't date 'em unless there's something wrong with them." Is this really true? Yes, my past relationships have been hopelessly flawed. It's like I was living some self-fulfilling prophecy of only having doomed relationships. And I keep wondering if she's right. But so far, no red flags. And now that I've written that and am about to hit publish, I'm even more nervous than ever that something will pop up to scare me off.

Recently in an IM conversation with a friend, I was worrying over how wonderful it all seems now and how I'm such a relationship pessimist that I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. And he said, "Maybe that other shoe is you." Holy shit. He could very well be right. Maybe I'm the only one who's flawed here. What if all along it's just been me? I'm struggling to find my way toward actually having a healthy, sustainable relationship. Any advice you have to give in this arena will be greatly appreciated, as I am most certainly damaged.

But screw all that because right now, we're in Phase One, the lots-o-sex, no-fighting, super fluttery happy phase. And goddamn it, I deserve to enjoy that!