Scratch that one off the list

Yesterday K and I were discussing our issues with meeting men. I work in an office full of women and gay men and she works from home. Our current circle of friends is devoid of single, straight men and neither of us is particularly keen on hitting the bar scene to troll for cougar meat. So we started going through places where we might meet some eligible bachelors.

K: We should start going to yoga. I bet the guys there are HOT.
Me: No. Not so much. Too new agey.
K: Oh, like wearing a sarong to Barton Springs?
Me: Yeah, more sensitive guy who will make you a macrobiotic meal, less hard pounding sex.
K: Well, they might know tantric sex.
Me: Ugh. Who has time for that?

Hey, "birthers," get a fucking clue (and a copy of the Constitution)

Okay, I'm fucking sick of those goddamn sorry losers who don't understand basic constitutional law. Or English for that matter. Obama overwhelmingly won the election. No doubt about it. For the first time since 2000, we had a presidential election that was completely without dispute. The majority of the American public definitively spoke. I dealt with the Constitutional and electoral travesty that was Bush/Cheney for eight years. I felt I actually had more of a complaint about whether he was a legitimate president, but I still shut the fuck up about that and moved on to complaining about more substantive issues once the Supreme Court appointed him. But these "birther" idiots, the ones complaining that Obama isn't a natural born citizen and isn't the legitmate president, are just beyond my scope of understanding. Sure, there will always be the fringe conspiracy nutjobs out there, but the fact that the birthers are actually getting any press attention whatsoever is disconcerting to me. I mean, doesn't anyone fucking check snopes anymore?

My theory is that in truth, they're racist to their core. Obama has an African father and that's really what they have a problem with. But who cares? Because his white mother from Kansas was undeniably a citizen, so that makes him a natural born citizen. And there's also the fact that he was BORN IN A U.S. STATE. And that his fucking birth certificate is PUBLISHED FOR ALL TO SEE.

But for that sake of this insane argument, let's pretend that he wasn't born in Hawaii, or that Hawaii wasn't actually a state when he was born (both not true). Is he still a citizen? Yes.

First, the text of the Constitution:

No person except a natural born citizen, or a citizen of the United States, at the time of the adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the office of President; neither shall any person be eligible to that office who shall not have attained to the age of thirty five years, and been fourteen Years a resident within the United States.

What is a "natural born citizen"? The plain text doesn't say, "person born IN THE UNITED STATES." There might be some debate among the dogmatic plain texters, but no worries, U.S. law clears this up:

Title 8 of the U.S. Code fills in those gaps. Section 1401 defines the following as people who are "citizens of the United States at birth:"

• Anyone born inside the United States
  
• Any Indian or Eskimo born in the United States, provided being a citizen of the U.S. does not impair the person's status as a citizen of the tribe
• Any one born outside the United States, both of whose parents are citizens of the U.S., as long as one parent has lived in the U.S.
• Any one born outside the United States, if one parent is a citizen and lived in the U.S. for at least one year and the other parent is a U.S. national
• Any one born in a U.S. possession, if one parent is a citizen and lived in the U.S. for at least one year
• Any one found in the U.S. under the age of five, whose parentage cannot be determined, as long as proof of non-citizenship is not provided by age 21
• Any one born outside the United States, if one parent is an alien and as long as the other parent is a citizen of the U.S. who lived in the U.S. for at least five years (with military and diplomatic service included in this time)
• A final, historical condition: a person born before 5/24/1934 of an alien father and a U.S. citizen mother who has lived in the U.S.

(This nicely simplified list can be found here.)

So, even if we want to argue that Obama was born somewhere else, his mom was a citizen, SO HE'S A CITIZEN. Just what the fuck are we debating? Is this really happening? Did I really just see an blurb on CNN.com where the White House press secretary addressed this nonsense? MEDIA: STOP PAYING ATTENTION TO THESE FOOLS!!

I'm just so frustrated by this, mostly because some fools are actually spending money on things like billboards along I-35 in Texas on this bullshit. THERE ARE PEOPLE STARVING TO DEATH IN THIS WORLD. Can't you fucking loser asshole ingrates find a better way to spend your time?

Ok, FINE. I'll update.

It's been awhile. And yeah, the bloom is off the blogging rose. I'm signed up for an exciting writing workshop with Spike Gillespie in September, so I might see a resurgence in motivation. No promises.

I recently moved to a new place and I love it. The house is nice, the rent is cheap and I get to come home to a good friend everyday. While my partially-unpacked room doesn't reflect this, living with her is pushing me to be less of a lazy dirty slob. That's a good thing. And while my cat has seemed to handle the move in stride and has yet to pee on anything (cross your fingers this will continue), the dog has been acting up and she's peed on the carpet multiple times, despite being let out way more times per day than she's used to. My roommate works from home, so the dog gets plenty of attention. She is clearly upset about something and I'm about done with this little act. She's 8 years old. She knows better.

The new 'hood is in a totally different area of town and my street is in a quieter area, but it's still a pretty colorful area. And by that I mean the selection of energy drinks, sexual enhancement pills, MD 20/20 and Boone's Farm is quite stunning. So far my favorite is a drink called "Drank." It's an extreme relaxation beverage that promises to "slow your roll." Two out of two women in line at the convenience store say it's good. A friend bought one last night and I'm dying to hear how her Drank experience turned out. I, on the other hand, am reluctant to spend $2.50 on said beverage when I have red wine and Ambien at my disposal.

It's like a technicolor trip down high school drunken memory lane.

Biggest Energy Drink Collection EVER!

This week is going to be another hectic one with my brother's wedding coming up. Relatives will soon be descending upon Austin and the fun will begin. And I use the term "fun" loosely in this context. It's still a stressful weekend with family, but the booze will help. Or maybe I'll just slow my roll with some Drank.

And who knows? Maybe after all this, I'll be inspired to write another blog post. Until then, I have to get some shut eye.