Summer Doldrums Commence in 3, 2, 1...

Oh, blogosphere, how I have neglected you. Unfortunately I don't forsee that improving much anytime soon. For one, I am really no longer inspired by this blog. I've never done much with it, besides regularly bitch about stuff. And now I don't even update regularly.

I really thought things might ease up, but the past couple of months have been just as hellish. I still haven't gotten back on my exercise routine and my eating habits are still awful. I was smoking and drinking more than I wanted to be, but after I started to feel myself getting sick, I put a stop to that and I feel much better for it. I don't have much time for enjoyable things, which is wearing me down.

I'm exhausted. Since January, I've been President of the Lilith Fund again. And since January, I've had an ongoing conflict with a board member who acts as if they should be the organization's director. I feel like I'm constantly being scrutinized and undermined. I feel like I'm not listened to, not respected. I expend so much energy responding to this person and putting out the fires they start that I feel like I can never get to the point of moving the organization forward. Much sleep has been lost, many cigarettes smoked as a way to decompress (I know, that's no excuse). I've almost walked away from the organization so many times, but I can't.

Lilith is not just an organization I believe in and a cause about which I am passionate. I co-founded Lilith with my best friends. When I look back to those days, it's not just a time when we all took on a big undertaking with no experience and no idea what we were doing and we succeeded, but we had fun working together. We all busted our asses and built something great. And we did it together. It wasn't me, it wasn't any other individual. It was truly a collaborative effort. Then I come back to the leadership of the organization years later to discover that power and responsibility have been largely centralized, while other members flounder and eventually leave, never feeling like they've found their place and never having a sense of ownership in the organization. And often they are critisized for this, when a large part of it isn't their fault when they weren't allowed the freedom to contribute, to do the work, and when they did the work, they were nitpicked to death. I can't just walk away from it now. As much as it's driving me to drink, I have to be strong and endure this difficulty, so that we can move back to a happier place with the organization.

Fortunately, this is somewhat balanced by my involvement with the National Network of Abortion Funds. They just elected me Vice President of the board, which was an unexpected honor. I'm constantly inspired by the women on the board and staff, as well as all the amazing people I've met from funds around the country and in Mexico, Canada, London & the virtual world. I feel really blessed to get to spend several days three times per year with these women, to learn from them and get to know them. They keep me grounded and focused on my work with Lilith, no matter how painful it can be.

So that's what's going on with me (unpaid) professionally. The jobbie job is about the same. I love my co-workers and I believe in the work, but there are days when I'm SO OVER divorcing people, SO OVER the shitty things people do to each other, SO OVER men who beat up/stalk/threaten/torture/harass their wives. But I keep plugging along. I'm glad to be gainfully employed with benefits right now because I know that out there, it's pretty damn bleak. I'm counting my blessings.

In other news, I'm moving this weekend. A good friend bought a house and asked me to move in. I will soon be living in a bedroom with closets and not a glorified laundry room. I'll have central A/C! Cable! A garage! Fenced yard! Mostly I'm excited to be living with one of my best friends. My roommates are great and I have no complaints after two years, but there's something different, better about living with a friend (assuming that your lifestyles don't conflict to the point where you end up not being friends because you drove each other crazy). Fortunately, K and I have similar OCD tendencies. And we both want to eat healthy and exercise more. I just quit my gym so I can join hers next month (it's not as nice, but it's waaaay cheaper and closer to the house). I've invested in a Wii Fit (well, invested in the Wii, my granny gave me her Fit because she didn't like that it insulted her and she fell off of it once and is now scared of it). So, fun times ahead.

But this week the heat is dragging me down. It's not even July and it's been 100 degree day after 100 degree day. It's predicted to be 103 on the day I move most of my crap, the forecaster cheerfully referring to it as "abundant sunshine." It's not sunshine, asshole, it's an oven. Set to broil. It's getting to me. I don't know why I'm still living here. Seriously, as I move in with a friend - a place I'm excited about - I think about why I still haven't escaped Austin. And it gets me down. Why can't I be happy here? Because my heart is somewhere else, some undetermined location. Or maybe it's nowhere. Maybe I'm always going to want to be somewhere else, looking for a new adventure.

But regardless, the choices I've made have me stuck here temporarily. I just need to focus on what I really want out of life and make the sacrifices to make it happen (which means going without and not travelling for awhile so I can pay down debt). It will happen. In the meantime, I will keep plugging along, wiping away the underboob sweat, and seeking refuge in Barton Springs from time to time.