Decisions

First, I'd like to thank photog for his wonderful comment, including a Kierkegaard quote! He's right about my running away to exotic locales every chance I get, but I prefer to attribute that more to my incurable travel bug than the more-likely avoidance explanation. But your comment resonated with me, photog. I just decided that this voyage to the monarchs is something I really need to do and since Demanda has agreed to come with me, it feels even more right. This dream was born six years ago, when I was on the verge of moving away from Austin and finding new adventures. At that time, I was starting to gather applications to spend the summer working on a dude ranch somewhere out West, then I had a whole line-up of adventure travel jobs to explore (there's actually a website for seasonal adventure jobs) before I settled out in San Francisco. Then I fell in love and got a cool job doing HIV prevention with teens. Then I went to law school and ended up back in Austin, back at square one, but with more debt. I don't necessarily regret those choices, but with this adventure down to Mexico to see the butterflies, I hope to regain a sense of what I was working on personally/spiritually/etc. during that time when I saw the world opened up before me, full of life and possibility. And making this journey with my bestest is all the more meaningful, as we'll have lots and lots of hours on buses to talk, soul search, laugh, cry and everything in between. There are many reasons why this journey needs to happen right now, despite how it may look like I'm running away from some things. Maybe I am, but this is how I feel I need to start the new year. It just feels right. And if it means it takes me an extra month or two to pay down debts or dental work is postponed a bit longer, then so be it.

So, for those of you on facebook and/or twitter, I will likely be posting brief updates along the way, as I run across internet access. We leave December 25 and should return January 2 or 3rd, depending on bus schedules and if we stop off for a night somewhere between San Miguel and Austin to break up the long trip home. And when I return, there will be many, many butterfly pictures to share.

Growly

There are some things I need to vent to the internets because otherwise I'll probably end up losing my shit here at the office and that's no good. I'm cranky. There's a physiological reason why I'm irritable today and let's just leave it at "lady parts" and "baking bread." I'm sure that's now left my male readers shuddering and the female readers shaking their heads and saying, "Yeah, totally sucks. I get it."

Then there's all this emotional stuff screwing me up. First, tomorrow I turn 35. I'm not liking that number for some reason. It just seems a little bit closer to old. And what do I have to show for it? Truthfully, I'm still uncertain about what I'm doing with my life and that's frustrating at 35. I know I don't want to marriage and kids thing that so many of my contacts on Facebook and in real life seem to be embracing. Yet what I'm doing now is leaving me less than fulfilled. If I'm not going to go the traditional route, I feel like I need to be living a very exciting, globetrotting life. Not this 9-5 existence. Sigh.

Oh, and for the record, I don't plan on doing jack shit for my birthday so don't even ask. I am not a birthday person. In fact, my birthdays generally suck despite my best efforts. Let's see, it started with my 16th birthday where I had my first fender bender. Then at 19 my granny rejected my collect call. At 21, I was raped by a friend who took advantage of me being passed-out drunk (don't ever get passed-out drunk, ladies, even among the most innocuous-seeming of male friends). At 22, I was pregnant and living on a refugee camp on the border, biding time before my abortion. At 23, I was sick and vomiting all day. Same with 33, when I also got tickets for expired inspection and registration stickers on my way back from the car repair shop, where I was getting my car in shape to pass the inspection. And then there are the countless birthdays where I was dating some loser schmuck who didn't have any money and I not only ended up buying my own birthday dinner, but his as well. Yeah, fuck that. Tomorrow is just another day.

I'm also suffering from dire need for the long Christmas break. All of my clients are driving me nuts and I'm sick to death of family violence and drama and all of it. I don't feel like returning anyone's phone calls (although I must do it). I don't feel like dealing with any of it. I don't want to do my multiple convoluted time sheets. I don't want to straighten up my files or tie up loose ends or any of the upteenth things I need to do before the break. Then there was a message on my voice mail from a client who I've been trying to help get divorced for a full year now, letting me know that she reset her Friday hearing for the end of January. I kind of want to scream about that. I really really wanted to start 2009 without this person's file on my desk. We're pushing to close out as many files as possible by the end of the year and I have several clients who should be divorced by now, but just can't get their act together and do it. I guess that's the biggest frustration of Assisted Pro Se: It's not really in my hands since the clients represent themselves in court. I just send out the documents and give advice. And do lots of internal groaning.

I really need to get away, but I'm torn about that. If I want to use up all my holiday money, I could hop on a bus and head down into Mexico. I really want to check out Las Pozas, the surrealist architectural garden in Xilitla, San Luis Potosi. Then I'd bus it down to Anguanguo, Michoacan to the El Rosario monarch sanctuary. Afterwards, I'd head up to San Miguel de Allende for a couple of nights before the long bus ride home. My office is closed, so I won't be using up any vacation time. Bus fare is relatively inexpensive and in my preliminary internet searches, I've found lodging that ranges from $20-40/night. Food is wash because I'd be eating here (and probably spending more on take-out as I'd spend most of my days in my pj's, watching movies). So it'd just be paying a guide to get to the preserve, entrance fees and various other things like cab fares and going out in San Miguel. It's not an expensive trip but...

...I could use the money for several other things. My car could use some maintenance, which isn't cheap. I haven't been to the dentist in several years (almost five, actually) and I need to face the music. My dog also desperately needs her teeth cleaned and that will run me over $100. I badly need a new cell phone & have been eyeing a smart phone for awhile now. That will probably be a $200 purchase (plus the increased plan cost for messaging/internet, etc.) And I always have my debts to pay down. Actually, if anything is holding me back, it's knowing that I should really use any extra money to pay off debt. I really want to make a bold move in my life, but the main thing holding me back is a big chunk of consumer debt that leaves me no wiggle room for failure, or even a rough patch.

So what to do? I have the money for the Mexico trip and it's been a trip I've dreamt of for awhile. But doing nothing also sounds tempting, especially from a financial standpoint. And I really need to use the money for other things. But I could use a break. Maybe the trip would energize me, but I'd also be coming back right before I head back to work and likely very exhausted from 20 hours on a bus. I'm torn.

Well, that's what's going on with me. That and some other stuff I don't want to blog about. Good times. Basically, I'm ready for this year to be over. I'm ready to start fresh.

Don't trust me with your children

Ah, the holidays. Last night was one of several office holiday events, the board/staff party. It got a little debauched, mostly after the board cleared out and it was just staff left. After slurping down several glasses of wine, a raspberry sidecar and a glass of champagne, we headed over to Luke's birthday party, where I also had beer. I'm fairly sure I got to bed sometime in the midnight range, but I was up and miserable at 5am. I hate waking up really early with a hangover, especially on days when I can't just take some Tylenol and pass out for another 6 hours.

Nope, I had to be awake because Melissa was dropping off Gus at my house. Luke had a 6am flight - the morning after his birthday party - and Mel had to be at work at 6:45am - the morning after Luke's birthday party - but Gus's daycare doesn't open until 7am - the morning after Luke's birthday party - so I agreed to drop Gus off at daycare for them, the morning after two parties on a Wednesday night. Ouch.

Actually, I don't mind the lost sleep because I like getting to spend a little time with Gus, especially in the morning. He's just so cute and sweet then. He was frightened of Andrew, not really understand why such a large man was in Heather's bed so early in the morning. So I let him entertain himself while I got dressed by feeding treats to Ceci. Hey, it kept Gus from crying and Ceci from barking at him. All morning it was "Mas cookie. Mas. Mas. Cookie. Doggie. Mas cookie. Cold. Jacket. Mas cookie." Gus is extra cute now that he's started talking and I can actually understand what he's saying. And it's a good thing he hasn't entered into the repeat everything phase yet.

At least I hope not. Gus's daycare has moved to a new location, as the former daycare building in downtown Austin will soon be demolished to build more condos. (Because Austin doesn't have enough of those sitting empty right now or anything.) I hadn't been to the new location yet, but I had approximate coordinates. I was driving pretty slow down the freeway access road, looking for a sign (that the daycare doesn't have up yet) or at least what looked like parents dropping off kids at a daycare. At the last second, I identified the building and quickly pulled into the drive without signaling well in advance (because I wasn't sure where I'd need to turn). The jackass behind me decided to lay on his horn for a full 30 seconds, as if that was going to make me magically not be in front of him, turning right. Without even hesitating, I instinctively turned around, shot him the middle finger and yelled, "FUCK YOU!!" Right in front of Gus and when I turned around, I realized that I also did so right in front of some daycare parents. Way to go, Auntie Heather. Way to go.

Budding young photogs: part two

Well, this isn't so much a part two as a lesson learned. I took young B to see Dinoland and on the way I told him I'd brought my camera for him to use because I'd heard he liked photography. He seemed quite excited by that, but I left one crucial element out of the equation: the effect of life-sized dinosaur replicas on a seven-year-old boy. This was one of the few pictures he actually took:

This was the first dino we encountered

After that, he became photographer's director, making sure I was getting all the good shots of the dinos and shots of him making funny faces in front of the dinosaurs. We had a great time and after we walked through the exhibit a couple of times and he educated me on the names, eating habits and personal characteristics of every type of dinosaur, he wanted to head back over to the koi ponds and cross the little curved bridges and hop on the rocks that form little paths across the ponds. So we went and we hopped from rock to rock and then we started to leave to grab some food. But then he negotiated one last trip back to the "hip hop rocks" and I agreed.

That last rock hop was of course the one that ended in disaster. B saw something on an overhanging tree branch, reached for it, lost his balance and took a dive into the cold and smelly water. Fortunately this happened right in front of me so I was able to quickly grab him and pull him out, but he was totally soaked and the wind was getting stronger and colder. Luckily my sister had left an Icelandic airlines blanket in the backseat of my car (much more plush than regular airline blankets) so I could wrap him up in that until I could get him home. He was a trooper, though, and proclaimed that he liked to get wet and was really glad he fell in. His mom told me later that he had insisted he didn't need a bath because he'd already gotten soaked earlier in the day. The smell in the car begs to differ.

Gulp Dickbun!

The holidays. It's such a hectic time of year. First there was Thanksgiving and the office potluck and travel that goes with it. Then this week our office had the first of several holiday events - an open house cookie party wherein none of the guests eat the cookies and we all graze on them for days, getting bigger by the second (at least I do). Next week we've got the staff/board get together and then there's the office gift exchange. But with the holidays come bonuses! I honestly wasn't expecting one this year and it was smaller than last, but I also got a small raise a few months ago. I'm pretty fortunate.

Yesterday I was supposed to spend all day at a training for Volunteer Legal Services. I really meant to go, but my body was not going to cooperate. Despite having gone to bed well before midnight and sleeping for 9 hours, I was overcome with a debilitating fatigue. My whole body felt heavy and I could barely open my eyes. I knew I was either coming down with something, or would if I didn't listen to my body. So I fell back on the pillow and added another 4+ hours to my rest. Later on I took a nap and still managed to go to sleep before midnight again. Maybe I just needed to catch up after all the insomnia I've been suffering lately.

Today was a new day though, and I was bright-eyed and bushy tailed at 8am. I got up and went to pilates, then hit the grocery store, the bank and the post office. I did laundry, washed/dried/styled my hair, cleaned the kitchen, took out the trash, paid bills, wrote end-of-year donation checks and then ran out the door to participate in Austin's first-ever competitive charades tournament. Yes, internet, I am a certified dork but it was lots of fun! Our team consisted of my legal director, another coworker and Luke. Gus came along as our mascot & was a perfect angel, of course. The tournament consisted of 9 teams (didn't quite make it to 10). The attendees filled out the clue cards - movie, TV show, book or song - and they were thrown into a sack. In the first round, the teams were matched one on one and each team had a max of 10 minutes to guess three clues; the team with the fastest time advancing to the semi-finals (and the losing team with the fastest time of the losers got to play the 9th team for a second shot at advancing).

We were #7. The first few teams in the round really kicked ass, several coming in under 2 minutes. I was feeling pretty confident, despite our team not preparing at all. I've played Guesstures and related games with Luke and Melissa many times. I love acting out clues and while I'm not quite as good at guessing them, I have great enthusiasm for it. Melissa, Amanda and I are an unstoppable force with any charades-related game. My other teammates may not have been Mel & Amanda, but they seemed confident. How could we lose?

Oh, how we could. I was up first and I drew a book, The Decline of Western Civilization. Uhm, PASS. Then it was American Psycho. I made angry stabbing motions and it wasn't going anywhere, so I went back to the first word. I stood with my right hand over my heart, then made waving flag motions and someone guessed "patriotic." I motioned them to keep it up and then we got American. I went back to the stabbing and got extra psychotic. We were golden. Next up was Dana, who drew the clue she had submitted. She was honest enough to admit that and drew another. It was a clue that had already been done in a preceding round, so she drew another and passed. And passed on the next and then we'd used up our allotted 5 passes per round. Her clue was Godfather, which I guessed pretty quickly when she made some Italian hand gestures. Then it was Luke's turn and he had no passes left to give.

He drew the clue: movie, two words. Second word, two syllables. First syllable. Sounds like. And he held his right hand in front of his crotch like a dude taking a piss. "Penis!" No. "Dick!" Yes. Second syllable. Sounds like. And he made what eventually turned out to be a hot dog with his hands. Pointed to the bun. "Dickbun! Sounds like dickbun! What the hell sounds like dickbun?" First word. Sounds like. And he stretched out his neck and made a simulated, silent gulping motion. "Gulp!" Yes. "Sounds like Gulp Dickbun." What rhymes with gulp? Culp? Schlulp? Rulp? Dulp? Yep, everything but the obvious. We asked him for more. He shot a finger gun at us. He acted out a guy on his knees, begging for mercy, then jumped up and shot at where he had just been kneeling. He jumped on the couch and simulated shouting and shooting. He pranced around, Saturday Night Fever-style, slicking his hair back. He was acting his heart out and the audience was eating it up. But we were totally perplexed. Was it some kind of war movie? Then he pretended to eat a hamburger and Annette started shouting "Hamburger Hill!" Not sure if that's even a movie, but it sure didn't sound like Gulp Dickbun. I kept saying, "Gulp Dickbun. Gulp Dickbun. WHAT THE HELL SOUNDS LIKE GULP DICKBUN?!" It went on and on, Luke red in the face, frantically acting out every little thing he could. We got tired, completely frustrated and drawing a blank. It had gotten away from us. Luke's outstanding theatrical performance - he acted out about half the movie - was only making me feel more confused. What war movie sounds like Gulp Dickbun. Action movie? Still didn't know. WHAT WAS IT??!! We had no choice but to let the clock wind down, the only team all day to use up the full ten minute time limit.

It was Pulp Fiction.

He had acted out almost every scene (including the hamburger and $5 milkshake scene) except the Uma Thurman dance. You know, the one where she twists and does the v-motion across her eyes move. But honestly, there's no guarantee we would have even guessed it then. We totally should have gotten Pulp Fiction.

So we lost royally, but we were highly entertaining. And Gulp Dickbun lived on for the rest of the day, cropping up whenever a team got stumped. Ha ha.

There was a film crew there doing interviews and filming the competition and they interviewed Dana and me afterwards about our experience. I have no idea what it was for, but I'm sure one day I'll surface on some cable news channel, looking bloated with a huge zit on my chin, talking about our crushing loss. But it's not over. Dana and I decided we need to organize an office charades tournament and continue playing. And the next time the competition rolls around we'll be ready.

Afterwards, Dana and I soothed our humiliation at the Blue Genie Art Bazaar and I got most of my holiday shopping done. Then it was home to finish up the laundry and then eat a healthy dinner of fish and salad with Portuguese white wine. I've been on a real vinho verde kick lately. It's cheap, light and tasty and doesn't give me a headache. Win-win!