Thoughts on racism and the election

Today there was a touching story in the Austin American Statesman and a 109 year-old woman and daughter of a slave who voted in Cedar Creek, Bastrop County, Texas (my stomping grounds in 2003-04). Mrs. Jones has been voting since FDR and paid a poll tax to do so. Her father impressed upon her the importance of voting and she has instilled voter pride in her many children and grandchildren.

It wasn't so much this heartwarming public interest story that made me think, but rather the many bigoted comments on this story. Over and over I read ignorant people hiding behind pseudonyms cry that it was racist for a black woman to support a black candidate, that it's not fair that white people supporting McCain aren't featured in news articles, and if they were, then people would be crying racism, too. (doubtful) Waaa! Waaa! Reverse racism!

People, wake the fuck up!

The article stresses that Mrs. Jones is a long-time Democrat, so of course she voted for Obama. But she's also a black woman and a direct descendant of a slave. So, yeah, it's kind of significant to her that she cast her vote for the Democratic candidate who is also a black man. And yeah, it's not surprising that this is very meaningful for her, and for other people of color. I think it's shameful and yes, incredibly racist, to decry this or to demean the significance of this election. This is a big deal.

And no, white folks, we don't get to cry "reverse racism" over articles like this because you know what? We've been the dominant race in this country since, oh, the minute we stepped off the boat and started killing off the indigenous peoples with our weapons and our smallpox. We're the oppressors. And many, many of us are racists, even the ones like me who really, really don't want to be. And acknowledging that is the first step to overcoming it. We don't get to whine and stomp our feet because we want a level playing field because guess what? We may have an African-American presidential candidate leading in the polls, but we are far, far from having a level playing field, and the whites are still coming out on top. So, by celebrating the joy that many Americans feel over seeing someone that looks more like them, that started with humble beginnings and became someone amazing, that doesn't mean that white people are threatened in any way. And we don't get to complain about it.

We transported, bought, sold, and abused Africans, denying them the right to education and freedom. And even after slavery became illegal, we continued to deny them education, voting rights, a fair chance at life. We lynched them, murdered them, made them sit in the back of the bus, drink from separate fountains, wouldn't let them into our restaurants and clubs and hotels. We denied them jobs, housing, and any number of things. Shameful, embarrassing acts that make me cringe at my heritage. And the system of oppression and poverty continues today. I don't want to and don't have the time to go off on a whole essay on why poverty disproportionately affects minority populations and how our country's history and dominance by whites has lead to that. I'm just saying that future President Obama is creating a legacy, and hopefully a turning point in our nation's history toward a more fair and equitable society, where one day our children won't hate and fear people because they look or speak different. And that should be celebrated by everyone and this joyful time in history not denied anyone.

Screw you, too, universe!

You know how sometimes when you're in a particularly painful place in your life, the universe likes to reach out and slap the fuck out of you, adding insult to injury? Sometimes it's really subtle, almost comically absurd. Today I experienced something close to a slap - more like a little tap - but in my emotional state, if stung more than it probably should have.

I was sitting in my car on Lamar Boulevard, stopped at the light by Whole Foods. All weekend I've been dealing with feelings of sadness, wavering between regret over breaking up with Andrew and resolve that it's the right thing to do. One minute I'm telling myself that these feelings will fade with time and it'll get easier and the next I'm thinking I made a huge mistake and want to take it all back. This time I feel completely alone, despite knowing that there are people out there for me. It's more of a self-isolation. I just don't want to talk about it. So please don't ask me anything yet.

This break up feels so different, so much harder than I thought it would be. For one, this is the longest relationship I've ever had - five years and ten months, almost to the day. But the last time I went through a break up, all of my best friends were still in Austin, still living in my neighborhood. My brother & sister were living nearby, having parties all the time. I could stop by Amanda's and drink & smoke & talk on her porch. Melissa & I were roommates. Jason, Tiffany and Chad and I were going out almost every night. I was only 28 years old. I had people around me and was still in that wonderful time in my late 20's when everything felt right and fun and full of possibilities.

Now I'm in this mid-30's period where I'm questioning everything going on in my life. I feel like some of my priorities have changed and I haven't figured out how to fit a social life in with them. I've had a low-grade lingering depression for awhile that hasn't affected my productivity so much (well, a little, since I haven't accomplished nearly half of the things I've wanted to get done this year), but it's slowly making me withdraw more and more. (Yet I'm still able to open up about this to the entire internet. Go figure.) The bottom line is that I feel an intense isolation and I know it's mostly of my own doing. And now I've eliminated the person who was most present in my life, the person I was closest to and shared the most with. And I'm really scared.

Driving seems to bring it all out. Yesterday I spent most of the day in my yoga pants, watching Buffy re-runs on Hulu literally for hours. Nap, Buffy, nap some more, several more hours of Buffy. Not feeling much, mostly numb. Around dusk I decided I needed to get out, so I drove through the hill country for awhile, bawling my eyes out.

Today I slept in, but then got up, showered, got dressed, walked the dog and headed out to the office. (Oh yeah, I still have to focus on this hearing on Wednesday and I'm still nervous as hell about it.) I had driven just enough for the emotions to start to well up when I was stopped there at 5th and Lamar. That's when I saw them: the couples. First there were just regular couples, walking to Whole Foods to buy overpriced organic stuff in neat packaging. Then I saw a couple dressed alike in jorts and bright orange t-shirts. A few minutes later, a second couple crossed the street in matching bright yellow shirts and black shorts. At first I thought this must be some sort of event where hetero couples were supposed to attend wearing hideous matching shirts and bottoms, but then I realized that no, this was just the universe pointing out other happy couples to me as loudly as possible. See? They're so happy that they match! You're never going to find that, you and your emotional baggage! You're always going to be afraid to let true happiness into your life. You're always going to sabotage every relationship you ever have. You're always going to fall for people who are bad for you and you're always going to lose yourself and then become a miserable hag who yells all the time. You're never going to be successful with interpersonal relationships BECAUSE THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU.

Okay, maybe that wasn't so much the universe as much as the judgmental psychoanalyst in my head. But I wonder if maybe I should just call it a day with dating completely. Because failure is getting harder and harder to deal with.

Lowered Expectations!

This craigslist posting caught my eye:

looking for a girl with low expectations - 34 (austin)

Hi I'm a loser. I need another loser so we can lose together. I like to do stuff. Any kind of stuff.

I prefer girls 22 and older because 21 year old girls have mental problems.
Sometimes when I'm alone I pretend I'm jabba the hutt and in search of my princess Leigha or maybe that little monkey bird fucker to sit on my lap and spank my fat ass!
Will you be that little monkey bird fucker for me?

Sadly, I'm sure there's a woman(en) out there who will reply.

Today's Collection of Randomness

Still on crutches. It's actually a pretty intense workout, one that leaves my underarms bruised. The ankle is still swollen and bruised & I'm pretty much ready to be back to normal now, thanks. It's exhausting and I have SO MUCH WORK to do, yet just want to sleep. The anxiety is killing me.

I really wish the bathroom at work had a fan. I really hate it when I have to sit in a pungent stall that's been bombed with someone else's shit and orange-scented Febreze Odor Neutralizer. Neutralizes odors my ass. Just smells like orange feces.

Michelle Obama shops at H&M! Another reason to heart her! True story: I actually tried on that same dress at the H&M in DC, but didn't really like the way it fit me. Plus horizontal stripes & my big booty don't mix.

Wow, fascinating stuff. Sorry, but I've been stuck at home eating banana splits & watching re-runs of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on Hulu. Not much excitement to report.

blogging under the influence

It's been awhile since I've taken anything stronger than an Advil, but this evening - after dealing with ankle pain and the total BITCH of walking around on crutches - I finally took a Vicodin, washed down with 2 glasses of wine. And now I am flooooatinnnngggg....

I don't particularly care for Vicodin because I usually end up with a bad headache after it wears off, but damn it feel pretty good right now. I'm hoping I'll get a decent night's sleep, and hopefully not feel too bad in the morning, so I can make it into work.

You see, I have quite a bit going on at work that's giving me severe irritable bowel syndrome, and missing another day isn't helping. My stomach is in knots. And let's not talk about the farting, okay? Because it is seriously not sexy at all.

Now I'm trying to follow along with Heroes, but I doubt I'll stay conscious much longer than this episode. All I have to say is HOLY SHIT PAPA PETRELLI! No, Hiro, don't get mixed up with this guy!

Wow, this blog has gone DOWN. HILL. So fascinating - tales of my ankle sprains and painkillers. I seriously need to get a life.

In the meantime, all y'all Texans get out there and EARLY VOTE! You can do so through Halloween. I am so excited about this election, but guardedly so. I'm afraid to get too optimistic after the crushing disappointment of 2000 and 2004. How are the rest of you dealing? Anyone else have irritable bowels? Any suggestions for how I can turn this blog around?

more ramblings on my health

A commenter on my Going Deaf post seemed very concerned that my internet self-diagnosis would be the end of the road. Don't worry - it's not, but right now I feel like I just needed to know that it was auditory and not anxiety. This is really a minor thing and way down on the list of things I need to worry about.

Right now the top of the list is ACQUIRE PAINKILLERS. And a little further down is Learn Ankle Strengthening Exercises. Yes, I stepped wrong and my ankle gave out under me AGAIN today. And now it's swollen and blue and FUCKING HURTS. At least there was a slight curb that I biffed on and I didn't just fail to walk properly on perfectly level ground (e.g. crossing the street from Navy Pier in Chicago, June 2007, and then having to hobble around the streets for the next hour, searching for the right subway station). I really should just wear ankle braces all the time, considering how clumsy I am.

Next, I need to deal with my teeth. It's been over four years since I've been to a dentist. My job doesn't provide dental care and I finally signed up for private dental insurance (which is suspiciously cheap, considering that when I first investigated it, I learned that it's not very cost-effective to provide private dental insurance). I know I've got about 100 cavities. And a slightly cracked molar. Yeah, that's been pleasant.

I know that self-diagnosing on the internet is not the only thing I should be doing, but I also know that doctors don't know it all, despite their rampant God complexes (apologies to all the cool doctors that might read this, but just like I accept all the lawyer jokes - with are not without valid reason - you know a huge number of your colleagues are egotistical assholes). So, it doesn't hurt to do a little googling. For instance, I found out that for my particular problem, I'd be better off seeking the advice of an audiologist, rather than an ear-nose-throat doc. How would I have known that without the internet? And really this is all a prelude to my gastro-interologist tale.

For many years I've suffered from a bizarre affliction. From time-to-time, usually during times of stress, I'd develop an almost-untreatable form of indigestion. It wasn't really bloating or acid reflux or even really stomach pain. But I'd have to burp constantly, little tiny dry burbs over and over. And then I couldn't catch my breath - I could breathe, but it would be like that feeling right before you yawn where the breath is gone and then it comes back after the yawn, but the yawn never comes. I'd have to sit up, burp 1000 times and then finally after several minutes, I could breathe normally. Sometimes this would repeat for hours, causing me to lose much sleep. I went to a regular doctor and she gave me acid reflux meds. This didn't work. I changed my diet drastically and although I did get some relief, it was only temporary. Finally I went to a GI specialist. Within 2 seconds of my describing the problem, he said, "Oh yeah, you have aerophagia, swallowing air. It's caused by anxiety." Then he got out his pad, wrote me a prescription for Nexium (the purple pill!) and gave me some Nexium samples. Because obviously the antacid drugs I'd already tried & that had failed were the solution to my anxiety problem. I get that maybe he didn't want to write a 'script for the Xanax I clearly needed, but it would have been nice for him to have skipped the obvious drug-whoring and told me to go back to my doc (or a shrink) and get help with the anxiety.

And for the record, once I finally rid myself of the Bad News Bears boyfriend I had at the time, my aerophagia lessened dramatically. Hmmm...

Now seriously, folks, SOMEONE BRING ME VICODIN! This ankle hurts.

Today's public service announcement

check it out

All those punk shows DID come back to bite me on the ass (or ear, rather)

For some time now I've been experiencing something that I was attributing to The Crazy. Whenever I'm in a situation where someone is a couple feet away from me (or even right in front of me) and they're talking to me, I can barely understand what they're saying if there is background noise. At first, I blamed it on low talkers and was just frustrated. Then I realized that no, it's me. There's something wrong with me. Why can't I hear the person in front of me when there's background noise?

So, if we've gone out to eat at a noisy restaurant and later I don't seem to have heard a single thing you've said, it's because I haven't, and I'm too embarrassed to say anything. And the more cacophonous the noise, the more I cannot understand you.

I didn't think it was a hearing problem because I can totally hear just fine (or so I thought). I thought maybe I needed some heavy dose of Paxil, because obviously this was part of a social anxiety disorder, right? It was certainly causing me social anxiety. I would really want to listen to what the person was saying, but I just couldn't and I wouldn't want to ask them to repeat it or speak louder because that's annoying. So I'd start fixating on it and my mind would wander. "What did she say? Why can't I hear her? I'm not sure how to respond, if I need to respond. Oh god! The hell is wrong with me anyway? I just want to get out of here." And the background noise would get louder and louder in my head. I'd feel as if my chair were moving backward, further and further away from the person in front of me. I'd see their lips moving but not comprehend anything. I'd get antsy for the check, dying to get the hell out of there, back to a place where I didn't feel like such a circus freak. And if there's a whole group? Forget it. Most of the time I'm on my own little island, just waiting to leave because I'm so miserable, completely left out of the conversation of my own doing.

It's not as bad in quieter restaurants, or even crowded restaurants with better acoustics. For example, last Saturday I was at a restaurant with more than 20 other people, in a crowded room and because the room was smaller and had lower ceilings and thick furnishings & columns to absorb more background noise, I had no problem at all having a normal interactive conversation. But put me in one of those trendy places with minimalist design, cement floors and high ceilings in a giant space and I'm fucked.

The problem has gotten to the point where I was going to mention it to my doctor the next time I was in. In fact, I almost made a doctor appointment just to discuss my conversation anxiety. Instead I did a little googling and it wasn't hard to find out what's going on. Apparently I have sensorineural hearing loss. So you don't have to even click on the link, here's what it says about it:

Sensorineural hearing loss occurs when there is damage to the inner ear (cochlea) or to the nerve pathways from the inner ear (retrocochlear) to the brain. Sensorineural hearing loss cannot be medically or surgically corrected. It is a permanent loss.

Sensorineural hearing loss not only involves a reduction in sound level, or ability to hear faint sounds, but also affects speech understanding, or ability to hear clearly.

Sensorineural hearing loss can be caused by diseases, birth injury, drugs that are toxic to the auditory system, and genetic syndromes. Sensorineural hearing loss may also occur as a result of noise exposure, viruses, head trauma, aging, and tumors.

(Emphasis mine). I'm pretty sure it's tumors. ;-)

But seriously, this is permanent. I have to deal with this for the rest of my life then, and it will likely worsen. I don't want to believe that. Hearing aids don't help? At least I know what I'm dealing with. And I'm not crazy! I should just wear earplugs more often so I don't make it worse. And maybe avoid ear buds (or at least keep the volume down). Anyone else experience this? How do you deal with it?

God, it SUCKS to get old.

I've only got one thing to say:

Your Public Service Announcement for the Day: No on CA's Prop 8

Let's face it: I'm not a fan of marriage. I think it's bullshit. If you're reading this & you're happily married, that's great for you. Congrats on making it work! But in our society, we're fed from the womb this myth that marriage is some great, wonderful thing that we must all aspire to achieve, as if it will solve all our problems (and if we chose not to participate in, we clearly are flawed). Relationship a little fucked up? Boyfriend cheating? Unplanned pregnancy? Just graduated from college and want to lock in that sorority girl while she's still hot and before she figures out that maybe she wants a career too? Marriage! The truth is that marriage doesn't solve shit; it only amplifies whatever was wrong before and makes breaking up more legally complicated. But lots of people do it - some repeatedly marry one dysfunctional person after another, still believing in that happily ever after, riding off into the sunset myth. And others do it successfully, sometimes even getting it right the first time.

The truth is it's hard and often ugly and sometimes not right for everyone. But it's a right all heterosexual couples share and it should be EVERYONE'S right. If two people in love want to solidify their commitment with a legal document and an overpriced party, then they should be able to do that, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. This I firmly believe. It is SHAMEFUL that we do not have full equality in this country, that a segment of our society is routinely discriminated against in this way. So ENOUGH! I'm fed up with the ignorance. Gays and lesbians should have equal protection under the law, including marriage rights. And you know what? Since I'm guessing most of the people reading this probably agree with me (all 10 of you), I'm not even going to recount the reasons why gay marriage is okay and not a threat to anything (except the poor saps who end up married). All I'll say is that if your religion wants to be bigoted, fine. Don't let gay people get married in your hateful church. But this should not affect the issuance of a marriage license for anyone else.

As you all should be aware of (unless you've been avoiding news for the past year or two), California now allows people of the same sex to marry each other, thanks to the CA Supreme Court doing the right thing. Of course, the bigots have to turn around and put a measure on the ballot to change the state constitution, which is Proposition 8. Unfortunately these asshats have lots of money, and their campaign of lies and hate is actually working. THAT IS FUCKING SCARY, PEOPLE!

I don't live in California. I'm not gay. But it's important for me and you and you and you and you and yes, even YOU to support the No on Prop 8 campaign RIGHT NOW. I just made a donation and they need each and every one of you to give what you can. Now. Do it.

I know it's tough right now. Some of you are out of work. Some of you have lost money in the stock market. Or your homes. (Not really anyone I know, fortunately, but there are plenty out there.) If you're like me, the Obama campaign, MoveOn, every single women's group on the planet, local & state politicians and everyone in between is hitting you up for donations. Gas prices are high. Food prices are high. The holidays are approaching. You just had to deal with hurricane damage and evacuation expenses. Whatever your financial burden is, I still think it's worth it to give to this campaign.

Why? Why should I put my sparse dollars toward something in a state I don't even live in, that doesn't even appy to me, not a lesbian and someone with no desire to marry anyone ever again? Because this issue is important, no matter where you are and what gender you love. This is about standing up for an oppressed minority. This is about doing what's right for your friends, relatives, co-workers, and others in your life who are gay (and we all have them, so stop being so close-minded if you think you don't). This is about making the world a better, more tolerant, more loving place for everyone. So don't even think about it. Just do it. Cut out lattes for a week, put off buying a new handbag, do whatever you can to make room in your budget for a donation, no matter how large or small it might be.

DONATE HERE NOW.

Thank you!

random thoughts

A couple of weeks ago I was staying with friends out of town & I had brought my laptop. They have wireless, but I was having trouble getting on, so I asked for some help. As he set up my connection, he asked me, "Have you thought about getting a Mac?" I replied that I have considered it because of how much Photoshop was slowing down my PC & how I wanted to expand to Adobe Lightroom and maybe start teaching myself to work more with graphics, video editing and other fun stuff to do with photography, etc. he said, "Yeah, yeah, but besides the graphic design advantages, they're really simple to use." I'm pretty sure he was implying that I'm computer-stupid. Should I have been insulted?

Yesterday on the plane I was sitting next to a little old lady who was very nice, but also pretty church-y. She kept prying into who I was and what I had been traveling for & 1) I don't like to chat with strangers on planes and 2) I was too tired and spent to deal with the abortion discussion with a senior citizen while stuck on a plane. So I pretended to fall asleep until I actually fell asleep. I spent the next 2 hours waking up every 5 minutes or so from anxiety dreams that we were falling from the sky. I'd startle awake, look out the window and see the clouds below, realize that we were flying along smoothly and then go back to sleep. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Worst airplane nap ever.

It doesn't help that in addition to work anxiety, I also have election anxiety and financial anxiety (not really over the financial crisis or whatever, but the same ongoing anxiety over my debt and the fact that I work for a nonprofit). I either need to get my hands on a Xanax prescription or go into a coma until after the first week of November. I'm not sure if either of those things are possible, so I'll just continue not having solid poop until then. Ah, gotta love the IBS!

My cat continues to bring in mice. Daily. She also has this thing about eating the bottom half of her prey and leaving me with the top half to discover in the morning. She used to do this with lizards - eat the lower part and leave the lizard faces frozen in a scream of pain right in front of the toilet for me to discover first thing in the morning. It was gross enough with reptiles, but this shit with the mice has got to stop. Last night she came bouncing in the room with another live mouse, shrieking in her mouth. I made her drop it and then opened the back door for the mouse to flee. I think I'm about done with cats. She may be my last.

I am completely disconnected from myself lately. I'm off on my healthy eating and exercise routine. I don't make time for myself to meditate or deal with what's going on around me enough. I have a stack of books as part of my self-education campaign that I continually ignore in favor of reading celebrity gossip or watching The Hills.

Speaking of The Hills, those women seriously need to get better boyfriends. It's just sad.

I think I'm depressed. For as much time as I feel like I've spent around other people lately, I feel really alone. I think it might be time to reach out and try counseling again (for the first time since age 20). I feel like I'm at a point where I need to figure out what the hell is going on with me. I'm getting to the point where Acting Like Everything's Okay is no longer okay.

Okay, now I've wasted enough time. Now it's back to work.

Oh, and I almost forgot...

...that I was staying in Hyde Park, where Obama lives...probably even walking distance from OBAMA'S HOUSE! And he was in town! From what I heard, it was heavily barricaded, though supposedly you could still see the house. Did I want to drive or walk by Obama's house just because there was the slight chance that maybe I'd get to see him, Michelle or the girls? Yes, even though I knew it was highly unlikely. Am I a stalker? No, because a stalker would have skipped out on her meetings and walked around til she found the house, then hid in the bushes with her telephoto lens and waited for a glimpse of any one of the Obamas until the Secret Service and/or Chicago PD and/or Illinois State Troopers detained her for questioning and perhaps a psychological evaluation. Am I disappointed that I did not stalk (or at least get to drive by)? Yes, yes I am. Despite everyone's enthusiasm over dorking out and finding Obama's house, none of us actually did it. L-A-M-E.

also

The hotel I stayed in was built in the 1960's (literally) and was lacking in certain amenities I've come to expect. Like internet access. There actually was free wireless, but it didn't really work in most of the hotel (when I called for assistance, they told me just to bring the computer to the lobby). I didn't bring my laptop and was using my roommates', so I didn't really get online at all. And there was no business center with computer/internet I could use. So I went 4 days with no email, no news (because I forgot how people keep up with current events when they're not on the computer, apparently), and no connection to the world. I was incredibly anxious! Although I did pass by a TV and caught a bit of the news that the Connecticut Supreme Court (barely) backed gay marriage - YAY!! - and caught bits and pieces of election whatever here and there. And more economic hysteria, of course. But for the most part, I was completely out of touch. How sad am I?

spent

I'm back from my last trip for awhile, hopefully. It's been insane lately here, people. First it was getting back into the groove after a 2 week European vacation, then I spent a couple days in Houston and had house guests for a week, Austin City Limits, then DC, then a Lilith Fund all-day board meeting (I refuse to say "retreat" because there's nothing retreat-like about an all-day meeting), then my sister stayed with me for several days, and then I left for Chicago for the National Network of Abortion Funds board meeting. Meanwhile, I've got some stressful shit going on at work that's giving me severe anxiety attacks.

In other news, I have gone to three H&M stores in 3 cities in 2 different countries in the past 6 weeks. Yes, I am a junkie and no, my credit card is not happy, but I have lots of cute, cheap clothes to show for it, including a new wool coat. In fact, H&M was the only non-business thing I really got to do in DC & Chicago. Well, I guess that's not entirely true. In DC I hung out with a friend, her boy and her adorable chubby pug and watched the VP debate. And after the meetings (2.5 days of them) were over in Chicago, I had a little time to walk along Lake Michigan and then we all went out to really awesome dinner and drank copious amounts of wine.

Let's talk about those dinners. Day one of Chicago started off waiting around in the airport for some folks flying in from Boston so I could ride in their rental car with them. Then we sat in traffic for an hour and a half, so I only had time to say a quick hello to the other board members, drop off my bags at the hotel and jump on a bus for downtown. After H&M, I swung by Millennium Park to get some dusk shots of the Cloud Gate sculpture, the Gehry-designed Pritzker Pavillion and the Crown Fountain. Okay, so these are the things I also spent the most time photographing the last time I was in Chicago, but I think this park is one of my favorite things in Chicago. Worth another visit. I took a few more shots around the area, then jumped on a bus back to the hotel in Hyde Park so I could make it in time for dinner at an Asian restaurant called Chant.

Saturday I was dragging - too much wine, too many cigarettes, too little sleep - but after the meetings, I still managed to go for a sunset walk along the lake and then hit the hotel fitness center briefly. My conscience wouldn't let me not exercise because that night we had dinner in Little Italy at Mia Francesca. I was really looking forward to carbo-loading, in honor of the Chicago marathon the next day. (So I don't run and didn't even check out the marathon, I can still eat the pasta!) I got the gnocchi, which was supposedly fresh. I've been dying for good gnocchi for awhile, but it was only okay gnocchi. Oh well. It kept me from overeating!

By the end of Sunday, I felt really emotionally spent. It's not that the meetings were tough, but my underlying anxiety about work and the hectic nature of my schedule lately, combined with the meetings, left me feeling really drained and depressed. But after a brief rest, it was off to one of the board member's house for excellent Jamaican food & Jack 'n Cokes. Good food and whiskey will cure any emotional trauma! And I was in bed early even

Today we met in the morning and I had lunch with some of the staff and board who had flights about the same time I did. We sat outside and ate a pizza (though not Chicago stuffed pizza due to time constraints - those pizzas take 45 minutes to cook) and the weather could not have been more beautiful. Chicago was absolutely lovely this weekend - sunny, warm for the area & the season but still cool for a Texan, and beautiful fall landscape with the turning leaves. I was really bummed that I had no time to play. Someday I'd like to go to Chicago for vacation, not work.

And now it's back to the grind here. I'll post the few Chicago pictures I took soon, but now I just want to lie in my own bed and do a whole buncha nuthin'!

McCain's ties to "domestic terrorists"

What is a domestic terrorist anyway? According to wikipedia, it's "a citizen of the country the acts of terrorism is directed against." The FBI classified the Weather Underground as a domestic terrorist group, but what about anti-abortion extremists? Let's look at the next sentence in the wiki entry: "They are often pushing for only certain goals rather than the disestablishment of government as in anarchy." So, abortion is legal in the United States and some people disagree with this and want the laws changed. So they are pushing for this certain goal. This alone is not terrorism, but the added element of "acts of terrorism" makes them domestic terrorists, right?

But what is a terrorist? Here's what dictionary.com has to say:

1.	a person, usually a member of a group, who uses or advocates terrorism.

2.	a person who terrorizes or frightens others.

3.	(formerly) a member of a political group in Russia aiming at the demoralization of the government by terror.

4.	an agent or partisan of the revolutionary tribunal during the Reign of Terror in France.

–adjective

5.	of, pertaining to, or characteristic of terrorism or terrorists: terrorist tactics.

So, let's just focus on #'s 1&2: a person who uses or advocates terrorism and a person who terrorizes or frightens others. When someone routinely targets abortion clinics and their workers with angry protests, sending threatening letters or other messages, bombing the clinics, shooting doctors outside their workplace or in their home, is that terrorist activity? HELL FUCKING YES IT IS! So, then, if McCain has BFF with someone tied to these types of extreme, anti-abortion activity, you'd say he was "palling around" with "domestic terrorists," wouldn't you? HELL FUCKING YES HE IS!

And if McCain and Palin met privately with this guy and gave him VIP passes to events, would this be considered "palling around?" Uhm, yeah! And considering how anti-choice both McCain and Palin are, they were probably discussing the issues directly related to the terrorist activity (as opposed to Obama being tangentially connected to someone who is now in a totally different profession for a project that has nothing to do with terrorist activities whatsoever). And that's exactly what they did. McCain has close ties to Paul Schneck, an anti-abortion extremist who terrorized a doctor who was executed by an anti-abortion extremist while in his own kitchen. Scheck has met privately with McCain, got a VIP pass to the event where McCain announced he had chosen the female anti-christ as his running mate and Schneck met privately with McCain and his belipsticked pit bull. So there you go, actual, tangible ties to a "domestic terrorist." 'Nuf said.

the peen is not to blame

You know how when the subject of child molesters comes up, there's always someone in the crowd who says, "He should be castrated!" Well, sorry, but apparently that won't work. Yep, this may set aside centuries of men blaming bad behavior on that "other head." Time to own it, fellas. You poor little cocks aren't the cause.

Acts of desperation

Really, Bill Ayers? Do we really care about this? No, no one does except stupid redneck bubbas who get whipped up into a frenzy by any fear mongering you can throw at them and who would never vote for Obama anyway. It's desperate and sad. The truth is that Bill Ayers may have been a radical in the 60's, but now he's a college professor. Obama served on a nonprofit board that raised money for school improvement that Ayers was on. Hardly a glowing endorsement of "domestic terrorism." Also, Obama was a little boy when Ayers was involved in the Weather Underground and certainly wasn't taking part in anything. Let's move on, shall we? This is ridiculous.

What's concerning about this to me is not that I think this pathetic tactic will work on anyone that matters (i.e. people who aren't the Republican base & aren't inherently stupid and malleable), but if you've heard about/seen the clip of Scary Sarah inciting the angry mob with her Obama-bashing, you can almost predict the assassination attempt on President Obama within the year. She hides it with a wink and some folksy accent, but behind those idiotic glasses is pure evil (or at least someone so vacant they can be easily fed pure evil, which I think is more the case considering her Pentecostal background).

It's mere weeks before the election and McCain - who I already suspect is incredibly mentally unstable - has clearly lost it, and his toothy henchwoman didn't actually save the day. Who wants this type of person in the White House? Haven't we had enough of moronic leaders? Haven't we had enough of religious zealotry? Hasn't there been enough fear mongering to last a lifetime?* Haven't we yet learned this does not bode well for the country?

I'm going to swipe a quote from a great Rolling Stone article off freakgirl's site, which I feel says it best:

“The truly disgusting thing about Sarah Palin isn’t that she’s totally unqualified, or a religious zealot, or married to a secessionist, or unable to educate her own daughter about sex, or a fake conservative who raised taxes and horked up earmark millions every chance she got. No, the most disgusting thing about her is what she says about us: that you can ram us in the ass for eight solid years, and we’ll not only thank you for your trouble, we’ll sign you up for eight more years, if only you promise to stroke us in the right spot for a few hours around election time.”

Not me! And I hope not the rest of you either.

*I've been in airports alot lately, it seems, and I've heard this message over the PA in many of them: "The threat level is now orange..." NO SHIT! It's always orange. You know what orange means? Nothing. Absofuckinglutely nothing.

thoughts post veep debate

Disclaimer: I tuned in and out to the debate, which I turned on a good 15 minutes late. I was also online making snarky comments and making snarky comments with the wonderful people who are housing me for this DC trip.

Palin’s hokey crap was so out of control I wanted to punch the TV. We’re not electing Barney Freaking Fife here. I loved how CNN had that perception thing at the bottom of the screen that typically went way up for Biden and way low when Palin started with her schtick. Way to not buy into her bullshit, Ohio uncommitted voters.

Some of the Palin quotes that made me vomit:

“I love the Jews.” Because she needs them for the end times. (She was raised Pentacostal, after all.) Do you think she even knows any Jews? Just how many Jewish people are there in Wasilla? Or in the whole of Alaska even? I did some googling. According to this guy, there’s an estimated 6000 Jews in Alaska, mostly in Anchorage, Fairbanks & Juneau. So, I’ll concede that she probably has met a few, in particular the guy from Jews for Jesus who came to speak at her church.

“I have a diverse family.” What does that mean? They look pretty super-white to me! Because her youngest child has trisomy 21? Because she has a teen mother-to-be daughter? That’s not really diversity. And how much exposure to diverse populations has she really had? Well, let’s start with the population demographics from the Wasilla, Alaska website:

As of the census of 2000, there are 5,469 people, 1,979 households, and 1,361 families residing in the city. The population density is 180.2/km sq. (466.8/mi sq.). There are 2,119 housing units at an average density of 69.8/km sq. (180.9/mi sq.). The racial makeup of the city is 85.46% White, 0.59% Black or African American, 5.25% Native American, 1.32% Asian, 0.13% Pacific Islander, 1.32% from other races, and 5.94% from two or more races. 3.68% of the population are Hispanic or Latino of any race.

And because she has a tiny bit of experience as Alaska governor, here are those statistics from Alaska.com:

According to the census, Alaska's population of 626,932 can be described this way:

White 69.31%

American Indian or Alaska Native 15.64%

Black or African American 3.48%

Asian 4%

Native Hawaiian or other PI .53%

Some other race 1.6%

Two or more races 5.45%

“I am tolerant.” But…not if the gays want equal rights and the right to marry. Not so much there.

Speaking of that, what about Biden’s disappointing EPIC FAIL on gay marriage! He started off so strong and then he refused to actually say he supports gay marriage. And then he said he agreed with Palin? Something inside me died a little bit when he said that. Word to mainstream Dems: supporting gay marriage won’t make you catch The Gay. And who knows? By showing a little backbone and standing up for an oppressed minority, you might earn back a little respect. STOP WAVERING ON THIS SHIT. JUST SUPPORT EQUAL RIGHTS ALREADY.

“NUKE-U-LERRR” (said about 100 times). Oh god. Shoot me in the head (but not from a helicopter, when I’m walking in the snow with no cover whatsoever). I think they took Bush’s robot chip and put it in her vacant head.

“Kim Jong Ull.” I’ll chalk that up to her INCREDIBLY GRATING, OBNOXIOUS accent. Where did she get that accent anyway? It’s been 13 years since I was in Alaska, but I don’t remember a single person there talking like they were Fargo times 10. It seriously makes me want to retch. Who wants to listen to that for four years? Or god forbid, eight?

Does anyone else get the sense that when Sarah Palin speaks, she doesn’t really understand the words coming out of her mouth? She did a decent job on the debate…good at memorizing the talking points they told her to memorize and good at constantly looking down at her notes. But the rest of the time you had to wonder if she understood basic concepts or, you know, words.

And someone really needs to clue her in that Alaska doesn’t exact equal impressive experience. She keeps falling back on that – “Well, in Alaska we…In Alaska I…” It only highlights her lack of experience. Being governor of one of the least populous states in the country - #47 - for a total of less than two years is not impressive. Not at all. And if one more person says, “But she was mayor of Wasilla! And before that on the city council!” People, please. When have we ever, ever, ever really taken a presidential candidate seriously who was a mayor of a town of 5500? And a city councilperson? Please.

Highlights of the night for me:

First Palin tried to be all “relateable” with her “Todd and I once didn’t have health care like many Americans and we have kids in college.” (Which ones are in college? The 19 year-old in Iraq? Or the 17 year-old prego?) Then Biden totally one-upped the shit out of her with the emotional tale of when his wife & daughter died and he didn’t know if his son would live. And he made a point of stating that he may be well off, but not that much more than the quite wealthy Palins. Take that, hockey mom!

Ohhh, I also loved when he WENT OFF on the maverick bullcrap. The only thing that would have been better would have been if he’d called her out on being the soundbite-swilling tool she is & not a maverick. Why the hell does anyone call her that anyway? How does toeing the party line and not thinking for yourself make someone a maverick?

Overall, I think Biden killed it. And as I predicted, she did better than the drooling moron the pundits had expected her to be, which is no surprise whatsoever. But if this didn’t seal it in the American public’s minds that she has no business on the presidential ticket, then I fear for our country. I really, really do.

Here's that Sarah Palin post already

Greetings from Washington, D.C.! It's taken me awhile to finish this up. I started it week before last, then started it again on Monday and here it is, mere hours from the VP debates and I'm finally getting it out. I might have a follow-up post after the debates. But no matter what, I'm looking forward to Tina Fey's next parody!

Okay, so two weeks ago I started an entry that largely quoted/linked to the essays by Eve Ensler, Gloria Steinam and others. I was going to let these brilliant women say it for me because I couldn't say it better. But then I got busy and more time passed and OHMYGOD the Katie Couric interview and all I have to say is that it is SO UNFORTUNATE that this woman with so much visibility and sitting on the verge of a 50/50 chance of a great deal of power (or a little less than that, if you follow polls) is such a gold standard for the backslide of women's equality.

At first I was just downright insulted. Do the Republicans think women are all so stupid that we'll just vote for any old woman, regardless of her politics? Was this really to steal away those disenchanted Hillary voters?

Then I got an invite to join a Facebook group called Women Against Sarah Palin. And I cringed a little bit. Am I really against Sarah Palin? I was so conflicted. Yes, I totally disagree with her on just about everything, but is it helping women's rights for me to be against a woman in power, regardless of her politics? I'm against the majority of her political party's platform. I'm against her and her running mate being in charge of this country for four to eight years. But against her as a person? I wasn't comfortable with that, frankly. She could potentially be the first woman president, right? (I'm not necessarily on the McCain's-on-his-deathbed-old bandwagon because he's only in his early 70's and I have healthy & mentally acute grandparents - four of them - in their 80's and a ninety-year-old friend, but it could happen.) But oh, how I don't want the history books to have her in them as our country's first female commander-in-chief. I just don't. Sorry. So, yeah, I guess you could count me as being against Sarah Palin.

Then there's the sexism issue. Shut up, Republicans. Shove it, Fox News. You don't get to trash Hillary Clinton - obsessing over ever single inflection in her voice that might show some emotion (Oh no! She can't handle the job because she's so emotional. What if she has to deal with a crisis and gets her period? Don't trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die!) or what she was wearing (Oh no! That hint of the area near her cleavage might just distract world leaders and they won't take us seriously! We can't have someone with boobs in the Oval office!) I could go on and on, but it was downright brutal. Did we get an answer to whether or not this country is more sexist or racist? Hell yeah we did! So then the Republicans bring out this former beauty queen/sexy librarian/MILF-type woman. Not that it should matter what she looks like, right? No, it shouldn't at all. But you don't get to trash a strong woman candidate one month and the next pull out the sexism card whenever anyone says anything about your own. It should apply across the board.

And McCain knew what he was doing with her, and don't think there wasn't a hint of misogyny behind his picking her. There are so many far more qualified, highly intelligent Republican women McCain could have selected. Yet he picked her. Okay, so it dominated the media for a week or so and gave him a boost - his political Viagra, if you will, but even that wears off. And none of the other far more qualified and impressive female candidates would have been as malleable as Sarah Palin. Let's face it, Palin shills for the man, and based on the few interviews we've seen with her, she really only thinks in sound bites. Or sometimes not at all. (e.g. the latest clip of her interview with Couric where Katie asks her a question and she is totally silent, her mouth agape. Awwwk-ward!)

And the inexperience? Oh lordy! We've certainly had leaders who didn't have much experience, including our current Disaster-in-Chief. But this one is so incredibly clueless and sheltered that it's scary. People, I've spent some time in Alaska and it's a beautiful, wild place, but it is pretty effing disconnected from the "lower 48," not to mention the rest of the world and hi, very low population density - not exactly preparation for running a vast, diverse country with all kinds of people from all walks of life and corners of the world. Let's face it, Sarah Palin's world is pretty sheltered, pretty white, pretty sterile. She may hunt (and oh god SHUT UP ABOUT THE HUNTING!) and whatever other rugged shit she claims to do in Alaska, but that doesn't prepare her to deal with, well, anything pertaining to the large urban centers of the US or natural disasters or immigration policy or national security or the economy, or farmland in the Midwest or well, name just about any issue the government has to deal with anywhere but in the land of moose and salmon.

Sarah Palin has very little experience with the rest of the world and in our global economy, that's a scary thing. (I've seen some sources claiming she just got a passport last year and elsewhere seen it as 2006 - too lazy to fact check and don't think it matters, either way it's pathetic.) No, living across a body of freezing cold water from a sparsely-populated part of another country doesn't count. In fact, I seriously doubt she's ever actually seen Russia from Alaska because she'd have to be on one tiny island and it would have to be perfectly clear and even then she wouldn't actually be seeing anything of any significance except some land and maybe a polar bear. Not exactly "keeping an eye" on a major world power.

And I just have to mention the segment of the Couric interview where Katie asks her what publications she's read to get up to speed on current affairs. (Aside: WTF??!! If she was even remotely qualified, she wouldn't have to get up to speed on anything!) She couldn't name a single publication, not even Newsweek for crissakes! And I loved how Katie pushed her, "Just name one." Yet she still said, "All of them [bullshit, nervous chatter, more bullshit]." So, like Bush, she doesn't read, has very little foreign travel experience, totally inarticulate when forced to think on her feet, annoying accent, sheltered, very little political leadership experience. Fanfuckingtastic. That's worked out so well for us these past 8 years, hasn't it?

Finally, I just want to say that she's a great, big embarrassment. She's a laughingstock and that's doing absolutely nothing to advance women toward the White House, nor is it helping women be taken more seriously as world leaders. In a few hours, I'll watch her go up against a seasoned politician who all the pundits are saying doesn't even have to open his mouth to win the debate. I'm sure after it's over the pundits will all be saying she did better than expected because let's face it, they set pretty low standard for Republicans when it comes to debates. (I heard people saying that McCain did better than expected last Friday. Come on, people, he's been in the Senate for two centuries already, of course he can hold his own in a debate!) And no matter what happens this evening, I think the damage is already done.

Women, we've been set back farther, even disregarding the possibility of where women's rights and status would stand if McCain/Palin were to be elected and enact further regressive policies regarding women. Sarah Palin makes us all look bad, plain and simple. And no matter who wins in November, the impression of the flighty beauty queen with no experience and no knowledge of world affairs, her mouth gaping open at the first challenging question, will haunt us for years to come.