WARNING: Offensive rant ahead.
Okay, apparently there's some sort of big stink about how the Christian majority is all oppressed now and their rights are being taken away. Because that's what happens when you're in the majority and have control of the White House, the Congress, and most of the state governments. As you can tell that I'm crying a river for these folks. I mean, I would hardly be able to even tell that it's Christmastime if it weren't for Bill O'Reilly and the Fox News dittoheads whinining about it. It's not, like, fucking obvious or anything from late October to early January that there's this grotesquely commercial holiday around late December that involves Christ, aka Our Lord and Saviour of Consumerism. I have one thing to say to these particularly whiney Christians: If you want to put the Christ back in Xmas, then stop fucking buying things and just go to church and shut the fuck up, jackasses!! Or better yet, why don't you go volunteer at a soup kitchen of something else, you know, Christlike? These people are idiots, and if any of them are reading this right now, I'm talking about you. You're a fucking moron and you need to go away. It's unfortunate that they are also the ones who usually choose to breed to excess because that means that eventually the world will be even more overpopulated with really fucking stupid people. Of course, I refuse to deal with the possibility that this has already happened because MY HEAD IS GOING TO FUCKING EXPLODE FROM ALL THE IDIOCY!! See? Now you people have brought me to an excess of the f-bomb. I hate fucking Christmas.
I also work at the ACLU, but that has nothing to do with why I hate Christmas. The ACLU doesn't hate Christmas, so you can stop sending us those cards that say things like "Jesus is the Reason for the Season" or "Merry CHRISTmas." Or you can send them if you want. We don't immediately start screaming and melt when we see a picture of the baby Jesus. In fact, many of us are practicing Christians or Jews or Buddhists or Muslims or Hindus or whatever. We're not averse to religion. Anyway, we just open the cards and put them up on our mantle like regular people do with their cards. Sorry to ruin your bitter glee and destroy the illusion.
No, I hate Christmas because with each passing year, it becomes more and more unbearable. I hate the stress of family gatherings and the expectation that we're supposed to be happy and jolly and the perfect family - which we aren't - so it all becomes a big disappointment and almost every year there is some sort of fight. I hate Christmas because of the crowded stores and the traffic and those fucking carols. I hate those stupid lit up inflatable snowmen in people's yards, sucking up energy into a void of tackiness. I hate those ugly wooden cut outs of Snoopy hanging lights on his doghouse or whatever. I love all the candy and whatnot, but I hate how I feel guilty and bloated and fat afterwards. I hate shopping - more than anything. I hate how mean people become this time of year because they're charging themselves into a lifetime of neverending debt so they can fight over getting the last XBox at the Circuit City or whatever FurbeeMoBeanieYoureafucktard toy the media has hyped this time around.
[To be fair, there are things I don't hate. I like it when my dad makes a fire in the fireplace and I can curl up on a giant pillow in front of it. I like giving people stuff, especially if it's something I made myself. I like the smells of Christmas - pine trees and cinnamon, especially. I like having some time off work and school.]
Anyway, to try and cheer myself up, I've started a collection of links that make me laugh at the absurdity of this time of year. And my including them here is my little gift to you. Happy Jesusmas, everyone! Now go pray for my wicked soul. And Festivus for the rest of us.
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